Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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