tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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