I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
