I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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