but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize