quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
