I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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