one two three fourrrrnication!
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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