Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
