he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
