That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
