i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
