Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
