is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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