then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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