I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
