Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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