I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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