i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
