I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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