someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
