I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
