Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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