I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
wow bdsm is so cute
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
