it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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