jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
