Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
