is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
