We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
