you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
