Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
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