1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
