is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
