Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
