apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Why is there bacon in the couch?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
