I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
