I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
