Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
