I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
