I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Randomize
