i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
