My liver just broke up with me...
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize