i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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