my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
