I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
They took my balls.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We're too hungover to prance.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
