So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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