she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So much Jack, so little girl.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
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