Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
