just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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