No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
