I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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