Pappa wants mamma naked
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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