Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize