i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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