I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
