If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
zippers are such a cool invention
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
50% drunk capacity currently
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
