that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
