my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
