just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
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