Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
