I want to make a zoo with you.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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