it was like his penis was on wheels.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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