i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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