I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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