Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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