I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
