At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize