wakey wakey hands off snakey
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
